Epinions review

by Malcolm Lawrence

Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot

Meet Cosmo (Jason Priestley), a nerdy young bookie content with his boring life crunching numbers for the mob and living in a stark basement apartment at a senior citizens center. His only recreation is watching TV and the occasional tryst with his quirky prostitute pal, Honey (Janeane Garofalo). But one day all this changes, when the mob boss is killed and the well-regarded Cosmo is selected by the smooth and persuasive new chief, Gordon (Robert Loggia), to become a full-fledged hit man. It's an offer the reluctant Cosmo cannot-repeat, cannot-refuse, and he quickly trades in his mundane, solitary existence for a crash course in revenge under the tutelage of veteran mobster Steve (Peter Riegert), a relaxed, suburban bon vivant who relishes the job's maximum pay and minimum hours.
In no time, Cosmo surprises both himself and mentor Steve by displaying an absolutely uncanny aptitude for the work. Though he's never touched a gun before, Cosmo proves to be both a crack marksman and, after an initial wave of moral hesitancy, a cool, detached killer. Soon, Cosmo is dispatching deadbeat clients with speed and style and his natural flair with a gun quickly establishes him as an invaluable addition to Gordon's mob.

Reality gets in the way though, when one night, while being massaged by Honey, Cosmo admits feeling a bit uptight and she recommends he try yoga to relax. Cosmo takes her advice and joins a nearby yoga class taught by a beautiful young woman named Jasmine (Kimberly Williams). Cosmo is instantly taken with the kind and gentle Jasmine, who soon becomes drawn to Cosmo. Now if she can just get rid of her pesky, abusive boyfriend, Randy (Josh Charles), maybe she and Cosmo can actually start something. Cosmo, using some of the "skills" of his new trade, eventually persuades Randy to disappear and his relationship with Jasmine takes off.

Writer/director M. Wallace Wolodarksy, a two-time Emmy Award-winner for his work on "The Tracy Ullman Show" and "The Simpsons", has fashioned a script fusing his three genre loves: "I like comedies, gangster movies and romances," explained Wolodarsky, "so I essentially smashed together all three to create this film." But what he's come up with is a film so disjointed and improbable that it looks just like a very long sketch on Saturday Night Live. It's monotonous tone doesn't so much match it's droll sense of humor, as underline the fact that a lot of money was spent on a vehicle for Jason Priestly to blithely shatter his nice guy image, which doesn't even fully succeed because he plays his character not as a nerd, but as a laconic zombie. A nerd may be naive, but a nerd has passion. Passion for inwardly directed things. But Priestly plays his character as mentally deficient, almost the anti-Forrest Gump. Unfortunately, "Coldblooded" doesn't have the sense of scope to actually BE the anti-Forrest Gump.

Peter Riegert (Local Hero, Animal House) turns in a fine performance as usual, and Kimberly Williams does her best with what she has to work with, but Janeane Garofalo (HBO's Larry Sanders Show) is practically wasted in her role as Cosmo's friend. Probably not for long, though. Garofalo has all the enthusiasm and charm of an apple waiting to be picked and it's just a matter of time before she'll be given a meaty role, hopefully doing a tag team thing with Marisa Tomei.

Recommended:
No

"Coldblooded" is a staggeringly unfunny would-be comedy about a trainee hit man. Played deadpan for laughs that never come, new effort from the producers of "Dumb and Dumber" wants to have fun mixing murder and mirth, but ends up as one big sick joke. What this is doing in the Sundance Film Festival is more of a mystery than its commercial future, which looks dire theatrically, although Jason Priestley's name could make it a passable vid entry. 

Premise might have served as the basis for a half-hour short, but it's amazing that none of the talent who signed on noticed that there wasn't nearly enough in writer/director Wallace Wolodarsky's script for a feature.

Cosmo (Priestley) is a boring bookie who, against his will, is promoted to hit man by crime lord Gordon (Robert Loggia). To teach the callow young man the ropes, Gordon enlists old pro Steve (Peter Riegert), a talkative, philosophical chap who is astonished by Cosmo's terrific marksmanship at the shooting range and soon takes the novice out for his first kill.

In an appalling scene that sets the tone for the rest of the picture, Cosmo chats with, and becomes sympathetic to, the intended victim, a nice enough guy who onlyowes Gordon some cash. But when Steve orders Cosmo to shoot, he fires away into the man's ample belly.

Pic's sitcomlike music cues that this is supposed to be funny, but the only way this could have garnered any yocks would have been to put on a laughtrack.

A few more hits follow, until the automatonlike Cosmo thinks he feels strange emotions such as remorse and love, the latter inspired by his shapely yoga instructor, Jasmine (Kimberly Williams).

So, as quickly as he got into the business, Cosmo wants to get out, which requires some extreme measures that prove both tedious and disagreeable to watch.

Ending is yet another offensive example of a killer expecting absolution for his criminal acts.

Wolodarsky, one of the original writers on "The Simpsons," miscalculated big-time how this supposed sendup would play, result being a comedy without a single laugh. And didn't anybody here see "Pulp Fiction"? If they had, they might have wanted to cut the astoundingly embarrassing scene in which Cosmo lamely tries to clean the blood off some automobile upholstery.

Priestley delivers a deliberately robot-like performance, and even Riegert's comic talent can't begin to alleviate the painful circumstances in which he finds himself.

Co-producer Michael J. Fox is in briefly as another of Cosmo's friendly victims.

Tech contributions are ho-hum.

CelebrityWonder.com

by Kevin Laforest 

There are many different stories in Pulp Fiction. They're all very cool, but one that I particularly enjoyed is the part when Vincent and Jules, two hitmen, go to an apartment to kill some people. That's about 15 minutes from Pulp Fiction. Coldblooded is a movie all about that. It starts out with a bookie named Cosmo, smoothly played by Jason Priestley. Cosmo has no life. He lives in a crummy basement, take bets and watch TV, that's all. He never had a girlfriend, but he's seeing regularly a hooker named Honey, played with humor by Janeane Garofalo. Things change when Cosmo's boss, Gordon, gives him a promotion. He is now a hitman ! He's teamed with Steve, an experienced hitman that will show him how to do his job properly. Cosmo discovers that he's very good at this job, even though he has a hard time dealing with murdering people. And when he gets involved with Jasmine, his Yoga teacher, Cosmo is even more decided to quit his dayjob.