Frequently Asked Questions about Janeane Garofalo

Buy a vowel, get a clue, people. It's as plain as the mustache on her lip: Janeane Garofalo is bisexual. Photo from "Nadine in Date Land."

 
Janeane Garofalo's fellow bisexual and gym-nasty Margaret Cho. Like Bill Clinton, Janeane Garofalo's taste in girlfriends -- pun intended -- has been, ahem, questionable. As Gennifer Flowers observed, "What is fame without dignity?" Or to put it more colorfully, what the Hell was she thinking? Then again, after Cho, geezer, wheezer, and whiner Garry "Shambling" Shandling must have been quite an upgrade.

What is Janeane Garofalo's sexual orientation?

Despite Vince Vaughn's outrageous claim that he had "fucked the lesbian right out of Janeane Garofalo," she is bisexual.

What is Janeane Garofalo like in bed?

A bitter ex-fiance claims that she has a snapping turtle pussy but talks incessantly while having sex.

What is Janeane Garofalo's favorite sexual position?

Doggie style.

Does Janeane Garofalo swallow or spit it out?

Neither. In the January, 2005 Blurt magazine, Janeane Garofalo said, "I don't believe in engaging in fellatio. It just perpetuates the patriarchy. Besides, it's just plain icky when a man puts his thing in my mouth." 

Are there any sex tapes with Janeane Garofalo?

There are rumors she made sex tapes with Craig Bierko and Vince Vaughn, but none have surfaced -- yet.

What does Janeane Garofalo taste like?

Chicken, er, tuna.

Judging by Janeane Garofalo's arm pits, you'd think she'd be pro Bush.

-- Reno Collier, stand-up comedian

How hairy is Janeane Garofalo's pubic bush?

So hairy that Harry couldn't meet Sally and Stanley couldn't find Livingston. So hairy that Janeane has to have an Australian sheep shearer come in and trim it every week. So hairy that she takes the clippings and knits wool sweaters for her friends and fans.

FoxSexpert: the ins and outs of all-over shaving 

Are you bare there? With summer just around the corner, you may now be thinking about joining the ranks of the totally shaven.

It's no longer simply a style concern for porn stars; it seems that everyone now – guy or gal – is giving at least some thought to pubic hair care. I certainly get enough e-mails from male readers about going hairless. They want to know: What’s the deal? How is it that nether region hair maintenance has evolved into an art form? Should I do it, too?

Hair removal in contemporary Western cultures is actually not a modern day phenomenon. Such practices have been prevalent in cultures worldwide, like Ancient Egypt, Greece, Rome, Uganda, and the Tobriand Islands.

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What is Janeane Garofalo's most prized possession?

Janeane Garofalo's most prized possession is a big black vibrator given to her by an ex-fiancee which she calls by the pet name, "Jamie."

Pastiche by petefrt

What kind of underwear does Janeane Garofalo wear?

Conservative fantasies about white cotton panties aside... Surprisingly, underneath her rough, gruff, bluff, butch exterior, Janeane has a hidden "girly" side. She wears pink thongs from Victoria's Secret.

What is Janeane Garofalo's bra size?

34B. Janeane used to be a 38D but she had her breasts reduced because she was afraid people would laugh at, rather than with her, as a stand-up comedian. Sadly, the operation was botched and Janeane was hideously scarred, which makes it difficult for men to sustain an erection. This is why Garofalo always wears a burkha during sex. It's also a way of showing solidarity with her Muslim sisters.

Is Janeane Garofalo married, divorced or single?

Janeane Garofalo is married to Hollywood producer, director, writer, and actor Robert Cohen.

If you're worried about getting pregnant, try anal sex. That should do the trick. They don't tell you that at Bob Jones University, but it's true.

-- Paul Rudd, Playboy, August 2007

What is Janeane Garofalo's biggest regret?

That she wasn't able to have an ass baby.

How do you pronounce Janeane Garofalo's name?

JAH-NEEN GARROW-FALLOW.

What is Janeane Garofalo's religion?

Janeane Garofalo has said she is an atheist but rumor has it that she secretly converted to Scientology in 2006 and has been assigned to seduce George Clooney in order to convert him as well.

Janeane Garofalo is better than which actresses?

• Julia Roberts
• Sally Field
• Roma Downer
• Renee Zellwigger
• Jane Seemour
• Sharon Stoned
• Lauren Graham
• Uma Thurman
• Winona Rideher
• Amy Poleher
  

Janeane Garofalo is better than which comediennes?

• Ellen DeGenerate
• Rosie O'Donnell
• Margaret Cho
• Kathy Griffin
• Phyllis Diller
• Joan Rivers
• Rosanne Barr
• Amy "Bi" Poehler

Janeane Garofalo is better looking than which celebrities?

• Gwyneth Paltrow
• Jamie Pressly
• Jodie Foster
• Claire Danes
• Tea Leoni
• Lindsey Lohan
• Paris Hilton
• Nicole Ritchie
• Cameron Diaz
• Sarah Jessica Parker
• Bjork
• Dolores O'Riordan

How old is Janeane Garofalo?

43.

What is Janeane Garofalo's emotional age?

Twelve.

Why does Janeane Garofalo look so young despite her dissolute lifestyle?

She has the heart of a young girl... which she bought on the Chinese black market. Also, more plastic surgery than Nancy Pelosi and Condi Rice combined.

Who does Janeane Garofalo want to be when she grows up?

Tina Fey. 

How tall is Janeane Garofalo?

Five foot, one inch.

How much does Janeane Garofalo weigh?

Ninety-nine pounds.

What is Janeane Garofalo's middle name?

According to Janeane's number one fan, conspiracy fruitcake George Datt, who wants to marry her, her middle name is Christine. According to the Internet Movie Database, her birth name is Jane Anne Garofalo. Garofalo signs her foreword to the biography, "American Scream," by Cynthia True as "Janeane Q. Garofalo."

If That Is Your Real Name... -- Yahoo!  Buzz

June 24, 2008

Those born with a thirst for fame as well as an unfortunate (or boring) moniker face a tougher road to the A-list. So it's no wonder that many celebs choose to drop their given name for something a bit more... catchy.

Of course, the gawking public isn't dumb. They know the odds are slim that Sting was born with such an evocative handle. Each week we see an avalanche of searches for celebrity "real names." Folks look up the obvious stage names (Larry the Cable Guy) as well as some that are a tad more subtle (John Wayne). Some of the lookups are met with disappointment. Madonna's real name is, in fact, Madonna. Same deal with Prince.

Below we list the 20 top "real name" searches from the past week. Madonna and Tiger top the list, but you'll find all sorts of actors, athletes, and musicians in the mix. Most people stick with the name they're given. Celebrities are not "most people."

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What are Janeane Garofalo's favorite bands?

Hootie and the Blowfish and the Dave Matthews Band.

What is Janeane Garofalo's ranking on the Internet Movie Database StarMeter?

753, as of September 2, 2007, on the IMBD StarMeter.

Why do New Yorkers derisively refer to Janeane Garofalo as "Jewneane" behind her back?

She's a Jew hag. She hangs around Jews so she can pass herself off as a smart, cosmpolitan, sophisticated, talented, accomplished, educated New Yorker. She's ashamed of her New Jersey, Texas, Italian-Irish, Roman Catholic, heterosexual, Exxon Mobil Crime Family, brunette roots.

Does Janeane Garofalo know how to cook?

No. She's mortified about it.

Does Janeane Garofalo drive?

Yes.

Where does Janeane Garofalo live?

She owns an apartment in Greenwich Village, New York City.

What brand of cigarette does Janeane Garofalo smoke?

Skydancers,  an ancient blend of all-natural Indian tobaccos ($10.99 a carton).

How many tattooes does Janeane Garofalo have?

24, including one above her anus that reads, "Insert tab A into slot B."