Girl gone wild: the Janeane Garofalo story - JG, promiscuous girl Janeane Garofalo by Cox Newspapers Run-around JaneaneOften a noble face hides filthy ways. -- Euripedes PLAYBOY: How big of a bummer is it to have to see a famous ex in a magazine or on TV, dating someone new? BLAIR: It's very difficult. I pray I don't run into my ex-boyfriends around town. I wish they'd move back to where they came from in the Midwest or someplace. I don't want to see them on billboards or in magazines. It's heartbreaking. I'm very sensitive, and it's hard for me. -- Twenty Questions with Selma Blair, August 2008 Janeane, Janeane, Janeane, has it come down to this? You're one step away from becoming the Gloria Vanderbilt of the New American Century. Janeane Garofalo has so many notches on her bedpost, it's fallen off. But who's counting? We are. Garofalo once cut a wide swath through New York and Los Angeles but as she has aged and her career has declined, her choices have narrowed. She can signal her availability to George Clooney all she wants. Reality check: Clooney is way out of her league. Even B-list actor Craig Bierko dumped her because she was too old. Clooney can do better than a 44-year-old C-movie actress with more tattoos than a carnival freak. As Walter Scott in Parade magazine noted, why does Clooney date women half his age? Because he can. Speaking of half the age: you too can sleep with Janeane "Cougar" Garofalo. Here's the recipe: take one young musician who can barely strum a chord in a half-ass rock band, stir in copious amounts of booze in a club and Bob's your uncle, er, Janeane is Mrs. Robinson. Garofalo likes to maintain the fiction that she's friends with all her hexes, er, exes, one they're happy to maintain because they're scared of her. In private, they have another story to tell. Chuck Paul is a manic-depressive fan of black mambas, Janeane Garofalo and Andrea Yates, the Texas woman who drowned her children. He once wrote that no one knows what Janeane is really like except her family and boyfriends (and girlfriends, we hasten to add). And Inga, her long-suffering assistant, whom Janeane sends out on Red Bull runs at 3 a.m. and makes her paint her toenails while Janeane watches "Bend It Like Beckham" on her 72-inch Sony Bravia plasma tv. Given that none of her boyfriends have ever stuck around, even disinterested bystanders can do the math. You don't need to be a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, or a relationship counselor. A bad temper and bad hygiene make for a bad combination.Ms. Perky: People perceive you as somewhat... Kat: Tempestuous? Ms. Perky: Heinous bitch is the term used most often.-- Ten Things I Hate about You Another unattractive trait: when Janeane Garofalo likes to think of herself as being delightfully mischievous, she's being an irritating fuckhead. Those who have lived to tell the tale say that Garofalo has an uncanny ability to get under the skin of her significant others and needle them mercilessly, an ability which makes her extremely unpleasant to be around. A propensity for drama off the screen and on, a wandering eye and a constitutional inability to keep her legs closed makes her a problematical choice for anyone interested in a serious relationship. Comedian Artie Lange called her a "fucking cunt" which is technically accurate but so harsh and judgmental. We prefer "tattoed skank."