Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. -- John Derek 

Or a tattooed one. Well, two out of three ain't bad. Chronicling Janeane Garofalo's various and numerous physical and psychological ailments. Janeane, Janeane, Janeane, has it come down to this? You're a slow-motion suicide, a jumper enjoying the view on the way down.

Inexplicable rash

BoreAmerica.com: The interview here - conducted by "Hooman" from Bay Area radio station Alice 97.3 - features Janeane Garofalo revealing that she occasionally gets a rash that extends from her hand up her arm, and she claims to not know the reason why she's so afflicted.

Not only do we get that wonderful news, but during the interview she reaches into her purse and rummages around for band-aids and starts putting them on.

More

Several dermatologists we consulted suggested that her mystery rash may be a symptom of TIP (Tattoo Ink Poisoning), which leads to lack of focus as the toxins in tattoo ink migrate to the brain and cause short-circuiting of neural pathways. TIP is sometimes misdiagnosed as ADHD. TIP is sometimes fatal.

Or it could be rosascea, a symptom of herpes.

Janeane Garofalo in "The MatchMaker"

Alcoholism

Janeane Garofalo fits the definition of an alcoholic by Wikipedia: "In common and historical usage, alcoholism refers to any condition that results in the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages despite the health problems and negative social consequences it causes." In Janeane's case, it led to a herniated disk, resulting in chronic and immobilizing back pain.

Herniated disc

Chronic and debilitating back pain caused by a drunken fall in a London hotel room.

I like it best when he's tickled by something or when he tickles himself. Like we have this thing where he teases me about going to the bathroom, specially about my making doody. I say, horrified, 'I don't do that. Stop it! I didn't do anything!' I say that my bowels have never moved and that my asshole is for decoration -- it's a bullet wound. You know, to give me street cred. Stuff like that -- my being embarrassed about it -- makes him so happy, it brings him so much pleasure that I just keep it going. 'That's disgusting. I don't do that, Jimmy!' He's like, 'Yes, you do!' and he's laughing so hard. I'm actually a little more comfortable with myself than that, but it tickles him so much. It's fun to see him tickled. --  Sarah Silverman, Playboy, December, 2007

Irritable bowel syndrome

Don't go there. We can only hope, pray, and dream that Janeane Garofalo finds a significant other as interested in her bowel movements as Jimmy Kimmel is in Sarah Silverman's, since Janeane has so many of them.

Smelly feet

Don't go there.

COPD

"The smoker's disease." Fatal.

In COPD, a person’s airways become partially blocked. It is often charcterized by shortness of breath, coughing – sometimes called “smoker’s cough – excess sputum production, and wheezing. COPD is sometimes referred to as emphysema or chronic bronchitis. It’s the fourth-leading cause of death in the United States.

People over 45 with a history of smoking are at risk. Other environmental exposures like pollutants or secondhand smoke can contribute to the dieases. In addition, as many as 100,000 people in the U.S. may have a genetic deficiency, called alpha-1 antitrypsin, which raises their risk for COPD.

More than 12 million people are diagnosed with COPD, and it is estimated that another 12 million may have it, but remain undiagnosed. COPD affects women and men equally, and treatments include inhadlers and pulmonary rehabilitation, all of which have been shown to improve the quality of life.

– Franklin Ward Baum

Garofalo (Female Celebrity Smoking List)

Restless Legs Syndrome

She can't keep them closed. It's a sad commentary on a person when they're so repressed and uncomfortable with their own body that they have to get drunk to have sex.

Hoof-in-mouth disease

She's America's formerly-cute-but-foulmouthed sweetheart. She once let fly with the f-bomb while on her Air America radio show and it got past the three-second delay. "Nuff said.

Prescription drug addiction

Vicodin. Janeane, Janeane, Janeane, has it come down to this? You're one step away from appearing on VH1's "Celebrity Rehab." There's also an allegation of cocaine use.

Why some women have mustaches

Dear Dr. Donohue: I am a news junkiie. I have been in broadcasting for more than 50 years. I watch more TV news than any other television programming. Without naming names, there are two very atttractive women reporters, dark-haired, who have prominent mustaches. I find this distracting.

Is unwanted hair removal so very painful or costly that they would not have it done? What's going on? -- D.B. 

Many women have hair growing in places usually reserved only for men -- the mustache area, the chin, the chest, the upper back and the arms. It's called hirsuitism (HER-sue-tizm), and it's not uncommon. About five perce nt of women in the childbearing years have it, and more women develop it after menopause. It has to do with teh balance between male and female hormones. Some make slightly more than normal, and other women might have hair follicles that are more sensitive to male hormone than they should be. In either case, hirsuitism is the result. It might be the only sign of male hormone production, or there may be other signs of hormone excess.

For many, this is nothing more than a familoy trait. For others, it can be be a sign of trouble in the adrenal gland, the thyroid gland, the pituitary gland or the ovaries.

One somewhat-common condition that produces such an imbalance is polycystic ovary syndrome. 

Not every woman with mustache growth  needs an exhaustive investigation, but women should mention it to their doctor to see if the doctor thinks further pursuit is in order.

A number of options are open to women who want the hair removed. Shaving and bleaching the hair are two cheap ones. Vaniqa cream -- relatively new -- can be effective. Electrolysis is somewhat painful, but no so greatly painful that it's unbearable. Women reporters can afford either procedure. Male hormone excess can be treated with a number of medicines, and that can rid women of unwanted hair.

 -- Dr. Paul G. Dohohue, "Good Health"