Ben Stiller, tropic dunderhead 

Ben Stiller

Why does it make me suspect to say I’d pay money to punch Ben Stiller in the face? Did you see Night at the Museum? They’re making a second one. Someone needs to punch him in the face before it’s too late!

–- Todd C. Parkhill, Brick Weekly

Mr. Stiller possesses a gift for shifting from discomfort to confrontation, a gift he has been happy to squander as his paycheck has grown. His feints and flinches have lost their spontaneity and his aggression is without vitality.

-- A.O. Scott, The New York Times

His movies are terrible... Go to Hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.

-- Peter Griffin

So I can be a real asshole on the set sometimes.

-- Ben Stiller

Hollywood crapmeister and self-confessed asshole. Stiller supported Janeane Garofalo's campaign against the objectification of women by appearing in the August, 2008 Playboy Interview. Ben and Janeane are such close friends and she's had such a lasting impact on his life that he doesn't bother to mention her at all in the interview.

Zach Galifiwhosis

Zach Galifianakis takes a break from telling racist jokes to hot tub with Playboy Playmate Victoria Silverstedt. He's also showing solidarity with close friend Janeane Garofalo's campaign against the objectification of women.

Patton Oswalt

If you go down on a girl or leave a note saying you miss her or don't pay her rent, you're a faggot. 

-- Patton Oswalt 

Fat dweeb obsessed with porno and alcohol. Almost as sharp a dresser as Janeane Garofalo. Hates Barack Obama and hippies. Atheist. He supported Janeane Garofalo's crusade against the tyranny of the male gaze by writing an essay in the February 2008 issue of Playboy about dating a stripper.

"Dating a Stripper Is a Recipe for Perspective (Part 1)" by Patton Oswalt

"Dating a Stripper Is a Recipe for Perspective (Part 2)" by Patton Oswalt

Buy the album, "Things I Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me" featuring Patton Oswalt on eMusic.com

Patton Oswalt on "Comedy Death Ray"  

Buy the album, "Comedy Death Ray"  featuring Patton Oswalt  on eMusic.com

Steve Jobs

During her stint on "The Majority Report," Janeane Garofalo used to rail against corporate weasels, but that didn't preclude her from going on to work for corporate rodents as long as she gets her cheddar, no matter how smelly the provenance. Bangladeshi seamstresses receive $1.25 a day for embroidering Disney t-shirts (The Washington Post). No word on how much Garofalo got paid a day for her voice work on Disney/Pixar's "Ratatouille" or how big was Disney/Pixar big cheese Steve Jobs' slice.

"People think I'm an asshole, don't they?" Uh, yeah, Steve, they do. In fact, you could write an entire blog about how much an asshole Steve Jobs is. 

Dan Lyons quits Fake Steve Jobs before the real Steve Jobs drops dead on him

Publishing pseudonymously until an article in The Times revealed his identity last summer, Mr. Lyons wrote with insight and hyperbole about Mr. Job's tyrannical moodiness at Apple....

-- "The fake Steve Jobs is giving  up his parody blog," The New York Times,  July 10, 2008

Henry Rollins

Iraq War cheerleader on his Independent Film Channel show. Frequently told misogynistic jokes as a frontman with Black Flag. Moved into standup/spoken word when his music career tanked. Charles Bukowski wannabe, but not fit to mop up Bukowski's vomit.

Janeane Garofalo's butt boy. Bisexual tattooed freaks of a feather flock together. Prison pinup. Fan of rape humorists Opie & Anthony. "The truth, like humor, is where you find it," says Rollins. Maybe you should look up your asshole, Henry, since you've put a lot of other things up it. Better yet, get Janeane Garofalo to do it for you. As Grasshopper says, "Strap on, strap off." The truth is up there out there.

Egomaniac who put out a DVD which follows him around his house and studio. The only thing more pathetic is that people will actually buy it. What's next, a museum devoted to his toenail clippings?

Buy "Talk Is Cheap, Volume 3" by Henry Rollins at eMusic.com

"The Hollywood Method" by Henry Rollins

"The Ramones" by Henry Rollins 

"Your anger manager" by Henry Rollins 

"A love story" by Henry Rollins 

"War's great hits vol. 1" by Henry Rollins 

"War's greatest hits vol. 2" by Henry Rollins 

With the passage of time, Rollins' spoken word material sounds more and more like standup comedy, but with a bit more venom than Louis Black and a less precise sense of timing and structure than David Cross, though for sheer verbiage he offers greater value for money than either. On the third installment of Talk Is Cheap, Rollins shares his antipathy towards college students, George W. Bush, auditioning for roles in action movies, 24-hour news channels, law enforcement officers in Texas, and a variety of other subjects...

-- Mark Deming, All Music Guide 

David Cross with two women who would be out of his league if he had answered his true calling, accounting.

David Cross 

What celebrity you thought would be cool turned out to be a dick when you met him?

David Cross.

-- Playboy interview with Doug Stanhope, stand-up comedian, January 2008

This set is great in a Bill Hicks kind of way, and I don't make that comparison lightly.

-- dante77

Buy "No Refunds" by Doug Stanhope from eMusic.com

"Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew" by Doug Stanhope

"Will work for vagina" by Doug Stanhope

"My fetus is a centerfold" by Doug Stanhope

"Fuck the Yankees" by Doug Stanhope 

Speaking of comedy, is there anyone out there right now that you really don't like?
... I'll say...this is a hard one because there's one aspect of his career that I really like, but the rest I just want to punch him in the face. David Cross. Look, Mr. Show...Bob Odenkirk is hilarious. The stuff they did on Mr. Show is different and funny, but everything else that David Cross has ever done...like Arrested Development I just don't get. I think that's a show that people like to pretend is smart, but it's not.

Oh man, I love that show, actually.

Look man, a lot of people whose opinions I respect like the show. Believe me, I'm not arguing that point. I just don't get it. I think it's boring. It's not nearly as smart as any episode of The Simpsons. David Cross plays a gay guy and it just doesn't work. And his stand-up is self-indulgent, awful, boring and he treats an audience like shit. He wrote for the pilot for Mad TV and he was an asshole then. There's moments of brilliance. Don't get me wrong. He did the Stern show once and he came on like he was better than our show and he needed to promote something and he bombed and he was awful for the news. He comes off like an uptight prick. And then Comedy Central had this thing last year where stand-ups talk about the year in news and I'm not talking like I'm some special comedian, but I'm a comedian and this is my opinion. He comes out and the first thing he says is 'Git 'r done' like that Larry the Cable Guy, and that was hilarious. I thought that was so funny. I was like, well just rip him a new asshole. But then he goes into his condescending, boring shit. Clearly I don't like him personally either, but he's a guy I just don't get.

-- "Artie Lange swings away in Beer League," Static Multimedia 

Oh wow, track number 5 is called "I Don't Know What I Like About You Baby," and then in parentheses: "Probably That You Have a Vagina." Hmmm. 

-- David Cross, Movies Rock, supplement to Men's Vogue, Fall 2007

What does David Cross like about Janeane Garofalo? Hmmm. Sexist pig. Cross supports close friend Janeane Garofalo's campaign against the objectification of women by posing with a booth babe who has "Eat Me" written on her chest. What a dumb fuck.

David Cross on "Comedy Death Ray"  

Buy the album, "Comedy Death Ray," featuring David Cross on eMusic.com

Margaret Cho

Cho got drunk, pregnant, had an abortion and wants pity because she got a chance most people only dream of???

Cho evolved into this wierd ambiguously lesbo comedienne and spokeswoman for fat chicks (Roseanne's already done that, take the hint). Like some celebs (?), Cho seems fascinated about her own life and apparently thinks the rest of us are too. Cho should try hiring a writer. Get over it honey, you can do better than this. And the whole "Oh look I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm gay!" schtick gets old fast. Take it from Anne "I'm suddenly straight again!" Heche. Gay, straight, make up your mind, and nobody cares, btw. Even Ellen is trying to get back in that closet.

Nobody cares you're Asian either. Honestly, how hard was it to grow up Asian in San Francisco??? Take a few pages from Bill Cosby's book. He never did did race jokes when everybody else was doing the whole "front of the bus" stuff.

-- eMusic.com

MARGARET CHO'S parents left Korea in 1964 to live in America. They had a hard time adjusting. Margaret's Korean name is Moran and she was born on December 5, 1968 in San Francisco, California. She inherited her father's eyes and her mother's eating disorder. She grew up in the Polk-Haight area. Some people are raised by wolves; she was raised by drag queens. The smell that takes Margaret back to childhood is balls in pantyhose. Margaret used to dream of being constantly surrounded by gorgeous men, and she is. Due to these factors, Margaret is the biggest fag hag ever.

In case you were wondering, Margaret is Connie Chung's slutty younger sister. She is not a fat person, she just has fat parts and the biggest pubic mound in the whole world. However, Margaret does hold the secret to quick weight loss. Although she likes everything about sex except the penetration part, she is not a lesbian. Margaret grew up in a diverse community and when there are no other Asians around she feels uncomfortable.

 -- USAsians.net

Cho recently told an Alaskan Daily News reporter that her new routine is, “The most filthy, dirty stand-up comedy show, and it’s all about sex.” We’re intrigued.

-- Tacoma News Tribune

We're not. In fact, the thought of Margaret Cho having sex is an appetite-killer -- for us, anyway. Fat pig. Apparently Janeane Garofalo will sleep with anyone if she drinks enough. If Rosanne Barr is the Jewish Rosie O'Donnell -- fat, loud, obnoxious and self-righteous with an excrecable taste in men and movie roles -- then Margaret Cho is the Korean Roseanne Barr. 

"Intro/News" by Margaret Cho

"The Pope/ Terri Schiavo" by Margaret Cho

"Bush is embarrassing" by Margaret Cho

"Laura and Barbara Bush" by Margaret Cho

"Mullet fantasia" by Margaret Cho

"Mary Cheney" by Margaret Cho

"They turned off the microphone" by Margaret Cho

"Reagan" by Margaret Ch

"Hurricane Poontang" by Margaret  Cho

"Bam Bam and Celeste" by Margaret Cho

"Margaret, do something" by Margaret Cho

"Gay agenda" by Margaret Cho

"Gay Cruise" by Margaret Cho

"Mommy heart attack" by Margaret Cho

"Jeff Stryker" by Margaret Cho

"Martha/Arnold" by Margaret Cho

"Bjork" by Margaret Cho

"The Grammys" by Margaret Cho

"Rush Limbaugh/Tommy Chong" by Margaret Cho

Buy the album, "Assassin" by Margaret Cho from eMusic.com

Bag men

Denis "Dirtbag" Leary

That aggressive, chain-smoking swagger and fuck-you rasp, the toxic provocations and limitless well of bile: Denis Leary's stand-up act rarely translated any of his blue-collar male rage into actual laughter as far as I was concerned.

-- Joy Press, Village Voice

Now the actor who plays that character, Jack McGee, has blasted “Rescue Me” creator Denis Leary in a no-holds-barred interview by Matt Zoller Seitz at TelevisionWithoutPity.com...

McGee also speculates that Dean Winters, who played Johnny Gavin, was written out of the show because he was not suitably deferential to Leary.

“He's a bully, is what he is,” McGee says. “Bullies most of the time don't have the guts to do things themselves.”

He also blasts Leary as being an egomaniac, which is a real shocker to anyone who’s ever grown tired of the idea that we should find Gavin’s endless self-absorption (not to mention women’s insatiable attraction to him) amusing, or even remotely realistic.

“The promos are all him -- you'd think there was nobody else on the show,” McGee said. “His persona would make you think he's straight up, he's honest and he's forthright. But I never got an indication of that. The truth is, if he knocked on my door right now, I'd be able to look him right in the eye. I don't know if he could do that.”...

And everything that is wrong with the show creatively emanates from its constant need to convince us that, despite his flaws, Gavin is really, deep down, a cool, brave guy and catnip to women. Given that Leary is the star as well as the show's co-creator, it's not hard to imagine where those creative impulses come from.   

Others may continue to be enthralled by Tommy Gavin’s narcissism and his problems, which each season take up more and more screen time on “Rescue Me.” Me, not so much.

-- Maureen Ryan, The Watcher, Chicago Tribune

Self-confessed asshole.

Accused by Bill Hicks of plagiarism:

For many years, Leary had been friends with fellow comedian Bill Hicks. However, when Hicks heard Leary's 1992 album No Cure For Cancer, he felt Leary had stolen his act and material. The friendship ended abruptly as a result.  At least three stand-up comedians have gone on the record stating they believe Leary stole not just some of Hicks' material but his persona and attitude. As a result of this, it is claimed that after Bill Hicks' death from pancreatic cancer, an industry joke began to circulate about Leary's transformation and subsequent success (roughly; "Question: Why is Denis Leary a star while Bill Hicks is unknown? Answer: Because there's no cure for cancer").

During a 2003 roast of Denis Leary, comedian Lenny Clarke, a friend of Leary's, said there was a carton of cigarettes backstage from Bill Hicks with the message, "Wish I had gotten these to you sooner." This joke was cut from the final broadcast.

The controversy surrounding plagiarism is also mentioned in American Scream: The Bill Hicks Story by Cynthia True:

Leary was in Montreal to host the Nasty Show at Club Soda and Colleen was coordinating the talent so she was standing backstage when she heard Leary doing material that sounded incredibly similar to old Hicks riffs, including his perennial Jim Fixx joke: ("Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut dude. The plot thickens.") When Leary came offstage, Colleen said, more stunned than angry, "Hey, you know that's Bill Hicks' material! Do you know that's his material?" Leary stood there, stared at her without saying a word, and briskly left the dressing room.

When asked about Leary, Hicks sarcastically told an interviewer: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

In the August 2006 Playboy, an interviewer told Leary "Much has been written about you and comedian Bill Hicks...People have accused you of appropriating his persona and material." Leary replied:

In his book "Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines", Hicks shares the following comment on the matter as well (the nameless comic being a reference to Leary), "I had checked into the hotel room under the name Otis Blackwell, in honor of the true author of some of Elvis Presley's biggest hits, including 'All Shook Up' and 'Don't Be Cruel.' Another reason I checked in under that name was kind of a private joke between myself and me regarding another comic who will remain nameless -- hopefully forever, who had gained some popularity doing routines, mannerisms, and attitudes remarkably similar to my own.".

-- Wikipedia.org

Janeane Garofalo professes to be an admirer of Bill Hicks and even wrote a foreword to "American Scream," a biography of Bill Hicks, so why Little Miss Rectitude is still a friend of Denis "Dirtbag" Leary is curious. Apparently there's no cure for hypocrisy.

Sam "Scumbag" Seder

What was Seder's nadir? When he called Britt Hume a "scumbag" and suggested that Hume was responsible for his son's suicide on Scare America's "The Majority Report"? When he said the story of the heroism of the passengers on United Flight 93 had been discredited? Or was he was just having an Ann Coulter moment? 

Was it when he twitted politicians who were in the closet while in the closet himself, like Janeane Garofalo, when it came to his own bisexuality? What makes Sammy run his mouth so much? Why was he so obsessed with Social Security? As Fox Mulder said in "The X-Files," "It's a mystery." Who cares?

OK, OK, calling Seder one of Janeane Garofalo's asshole comedy buddies is debatable. He's definitely an asshole (Janeane says there's something wrong with his limbic system, which is a euphemism for "he's an asshole") and a buddy, but what's comedic about him, aside from his ambition to the first Jewish bisexual president of the United States? Mail any documented instances when Seder has been funny to:

Has Sam Seder ever been funny?
P.O. Box 11242
Richmond, VA 22320
and I'll change this.

Stalker enabler.

Adding insult to injury, his wife, "Darling Nikki," is an apologist for Fidel Castro.

We can only hope and pray that someone beats the fu-schnickens out of Sam Seder, a runner-up for the title of "world's lamest comedian and abomination to God" for enabling the cigarette habit of a woman with bronchitis, Janeane Garofalo, and gets away with it. 

Garry Shandling AKA "Garry Shambling"

The most voyeuristic moment on the DVD, however, probably comes when Mr. Shandling sits down in a production office to talk to Linda Doucett. On the show she played Hank’s secretary, Darlene, but in real life she was Mr. Shandling’s fiancée, at least for a time. After the engagement ended, she was fired, and in 1996 she sued Mr. Shandling, along with Mr. Grey’s company, for sexual harassment and wrongful termination. Mr. Shandling and Ms. Doucett eventually reached a settlement, but last March she told The New York Times that he had warned her that Mr. Grey once considered putting Anthony Pellicano, the private investigator now under federal investigation, on her case.

In the interview Ms. Doucett is teary as she and Mr. Shandling openly discuss their relationship. “It’s really perfect for ‘Larry Sanders,’ ” he said, “and perfect for the DVD and, I suppose, perfect for my life that I’m able to have captured the nature of this personal relationship on tape.” (He said he would have nothing to say about the Pellicano matter, “until it’s finished.”)

-- "Hey, now, it's Garry Shandling's Obsession," The New York Times, January 28, 2007

After all, when funnyman Garry Shandling testified last month, there were a few laughs -- at least in the beginning, before Shandling told his sad, sordid tale of alleged mistreatment at the hands of his former long-time manager/friend/business partner Brad Grey, who now heads Paramount Pictures (and who denied any wrongdoing in the case and has not been charged with any crime).

Anyway, when asked by Assistant U.S. Attorney Kevin Lally what the onetime HBO television star and talk-show host did for a living, Shandling deadpanned, "That's a bad sign." Then he said, "I'm a comedian," and the judge warned him, "Not today, sir."

-- The Washington Post, April 5, 2008

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

-- Garry Shandling

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

-- Garry Shandling 

Hmm, I see a potential love connection with Bill O'Reilly and Janeane Garofalo. Has-been, whiner, wheezer, geezer. Apparently Janeane Garofalo will sleep with anyone if it gets her more lines.

AA meeting in progress

Randi Rhodes

Misogyny I Won't Miss

I won't miss episodes like the one in which liberal radio personality Randi Rhodes called Clinton a "big [expletive] whore" and said the same about former vice presidential nominee Geraldine Ferraro. Rhodes was appearing at an event sponsored by a San Francisco radio station, before an audience of appreciative Obama supporters -- one of whom had promoted the evening on the presumptive Democratic nominee's official campaign Web site.

-- Marie Cocco,  The Washington Post 

Misogynist: called Hillary Clinton a "big fucking whore." Defended by Janeane Garofalo. Oprah hater. Uses "retarded" as a pejorative term, denigrating people with disabilities.

Mugged by a sidewalk. Needs to get off the sauce and do something about those free radicals.

Bill Murray

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Bill Murray could face a drunken driving charge after cruising through downtown Stockholm in a golf cart and refusing to take a breath test, citing U.S. law.

Police officers spotted the "Caddyshack" star early Monday in the slow-moving vehicle and noticed he smelled of alcohol when they pulled him over, said Detective-Inspector Christer Holmlund of the Stockholm police.

"He refused to blow in the (breath test) instrument, citing American legislation," Holmlund told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "So we applied the old method — a blood test. It will take 14 days before the results are in."

-- Associated Press

Bill Murray's Wife Files For Divorce: Alleges Abuse, Drugs, Alcohol And More

CHARLESTON, S.C. — The wife of entertainer Bill Murray has filed for divorce after nearly 11 years of marriage, alleging he abused her and is addicted to marijuana and alcohol.

Jennifer Butler Murray filed divorce papers May 12 in Charleston County. She owns a home on Sullivans Island, S.C., where she lives with the couple's four children.

The complaint was first reported by The Post and Courier of Charleston. It also alleges frequent abandonment by the former "Saturday Night Live" star.  

David Wain

No-talent alcoholic-in-training. His movies are so bad they make Ben Stiller's actually look good by comparison.

Amy Poehler by Chad Griffith, The Village Voice

Amy "Bi" Poehler AKA "Amy Poleher"

After Tina Fey debuted her now-famous "Bitch Is the New Black" routine on "Saturday Night Live" last February, NBC caught flak for apparently lobbing an endorsement at Hillary. All parties at NBC denied any kind of favoritism, even as bumper stickers emblazoned with the phrase made their way to Clinton rallies. By the time Amy Poehler was promoting "Baby Mama," her recent film with Fey, she had grown defensive about it. "I don't even want to talk about that," she told an interviewer from the Onion when he asked her about whether the bit bolstered Hillary.

If "Saturday Night Live" was once soft on Hillary, well, it whetted its knife this week, with a satire poking fun at the embattled senator. An excerpt: "First, I am a sore loser … Unlike Senator Obama, I have no ethical standards. Even my critics would agree that once I get the nomination, I will stop at nothing -- absolutely nothing -- to win, whereas with Senator Obama there are some things he simply will not do. Take, for example, the race card, which he has been reluctant to play. As in, anyone who doesn't vote for me is a racist. I, on the other hand, will be happy to play the gender card and claim that anyone who doesn't vote for me is a sexist. In fact, once Senator Obama is out of the picture I look forward to playing the race card myself. As in, anyone who doesn't vote for me is both a sexist and a racist."

You can argue in the comments to what extent you think the satiric portrait is accurate, but I'll go ahead and tell you that, regardless, I don't think it's all that funny. Too many easy jabs, not any real creativity. Sigh. I remember the days when "SNL" was offensive and made me laugh.

-- Salon

Flat-chested anorexic-in-training. Her acting runs the gamut from A to A. Does this women play anyone other than manic bitches? She was great as the psycho sister of Conan's O'Brien's sidekick, Andy Richter, but it's all been downhill since then. Her Hillary Clinton impression is lame, a pale reflection of the glory days of Dan Akyroyd and Martin Short.

Lately she's been a pioneer in mainstreaming female urination in sinks in major Hollywood productions, i.e. "Baby Momma," for which she should win a Nobel Prize and the thanks of a grateful nation any day now. 

It's hard to say what's more sophomoric about her April 18, 2008 appearance on  ABC's "Nightline": her false humility or her juvenile response to critics: "Anyone who doesn't like me can go suck an egg because they're fucking jerks."

It's hard to say what's more loathsome about "Saturday Night Live" executive producer Lorne Michaels: his enabling of comedians' drug addictions or his enabling of bad movies.

Michaels kicked Janeane Garofalo's big diva ass to the curb back in the day. Years later, Garofalo is still hanging around the clubhouse door, trying to get back in, whether dating fellow bisexual and "SNL" hack Fred Armisen or clubbing with Poehler -- both of whom should know better, since Garofalo is an alcoholic and Poehler is a so-called friend. How pathetic is that? Move on dot org, baby!

It's easy to see another reason why Garofalo hangs out with Poehler, though: Amy makes Janeane look better by comparison. They're both short (Poehler is 5' 2" and Garofalo is 5' 1") but Garofalo is smarter, wittier, better looking, has a bigger rack and is a more accomplished actor.

Andy Dick

Andy Dick Arrested On Sex, Drug Charges At Wing Restaurant -- MTV News

By Gil Kaufman

Andy Dick upped the ante in the creepy-celebrity-mug-shot hall of fame around 2 a.m. this morning when he was arrested outside a Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta, California, and charged with suspicion of sexual battery, possession of a controlled substance, possession of marijuana and public intoxication.

According to a press release from the Murrieta Police Department, an “extremely intoxicated” Dick, 42, was arrested after police were called to the restaurant on a call of a disturbance by an intoxicated man urinating outside the building. When they arrived, they saw a truck leaving the scene and stopped it.

An LAPD spokesperson said a 17-year-old woman told them that Dick had left the restaurant, walked up to her and pulled down her tank top and bra, exposing her breasts. Dick’s friends then escorted the comedian to the truck, which was stopped a short distance away. Police lined up the men in the truck along the curb, and the alleged victim and a witness picked Dick out as the assailant.

After searching his pockets, police said they found marijuana and the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in his pockets. According to the Riverside County Sheriff’s Department, Dick was released on $5,000 bond and ordered to return to court on August 12. The latest legal problem for Dick is a kind of greatest-hits rehash of his past run-ins with the law, which include: a citation for urinating in public in Columbus, Ohio, last year (during a stint at a comedy club where he was reportedly intoxicated and groped some of the patrons); a 2004 arrest for indecent exposure outside a McDonald’s; an incident last year when he was booted from “Jimmy Kimmel Live” for repeatedly touching the breasts of guest Ivanka Trump without her permission; and a 1999 arrest for possession of cocaine and marijuana after his arrest for driving his car into a telephone pole in Hollywood.

Enjoying his first successful national exposure, Dick also started gathering headlines over his hard partying. Rumors of drug use persisted, but appearances in several high-profile movies helped him avoid bad publicity for a while. But everything came to a head when friend and partying buddy Chris Farley was found dead after an especially heavy binge. Dick was crushed, but the worst was yet to come as costar and friend Phil Hartman was shot to death in 1998 following an argument with his wife.

Dick's drug intake grew, and by 1999 he was being investigated after allegedly exposing himself at a Florida concert. Later that same month, he was the last-known person to be seen with David Strickland, an actor who hung himself in a Las Vegas hotel room. Finally, after News Radio was canceled that summer, he was arrested after driving his car into a telephone pole. He was high on cocaine and marijuana and was sentenced with possession of both as well as other charges relating to the incident. Given a choice of either jail or rehab, the actor began a laborious stint in a clinic where he kicked his habits and emerged clean.

-- Bradley Torreano, All Music Guide

Jon Lovitz reportedly beat the fu-schnickens out of the world's lamest comedian and abomination-to-God, Andy Dick. Why, you ask? Because Dick allegedly gave coke to Phil Hartman's wife, which eventually led her to murder the SNL legend. Also, it probably didn't help that Dick reportedly put the "Phil Hartman hex" on Lovitz and said he'd be the next to die.

Nobody got charged, so it's not a crime story -- it's just awesome. File photo: Jon Lovitz -- thespian, humanitarian.

--KansasCity.com

Hey, they don't call him a dick for nothing. Andy Dick supported Janeane Garofalo's campaign against the objectification of women by appearing in an full-page ad for Larry Flynt's Hustler magazine.

Buy "Do your shows always suck?" by Andy Dick from eMusic.com

"Dip your cock in vodka" by Andy Dick 

"Leonard's ass is bleeding" by Andy Dick

"Damn good pussy" by Andy Dick

"Poke-a-hantas" by Andy Dick

"Niggers!" by Andy Dick

Al Franken

The under assistant West Coast self-promotion man.

Passive-aggressive jerk, not-too- tightly-wrapped not-so-smart ass (vastly overrates his own intelligence and that of his accountant -- he had to pay $70,000 in back taxes) and jackass. Al used to be fixated on exactly where Bill O'Reilly grew up in Long Island. In the greater scheme of things, this doesn't seem as important as neglecting to pay your taxes.

Obsessed with Paul Wellstone. Instead of “What would Jesus do?” it’s “What would Paul Wellstone do?” Paul Wellstone isn’t going to do anything. He’s dead, Jim, er, Al. At least Wellstone had the class to die when his campaign crashed and burned. It's not too late, Al! Rent a plane! If we seem less than sympathetic, it's because Franken used our material without attribution. Who do you think you are, Al? Denis "Dirtbag" Leary?

In any case, it looks like Al's liberal wet dream of becoming the first Jewish president/next Harry Truman has dried up, thanks to his Playboy piece. 

Franken's fixation on Wellstone is curious. Perhaps Wellstone was his history teacher. Don't worry, Al. One day, you and Paul will be reunited in that big high school gym in the sky and you can engage in hot, sweaty, yet manly rasslin' together.

Al supported Janeane Garofalo's campaign against the objectification of women by having Christie Hefner, CEO of Playboy, host a fundraiser for his senatorial campaign at her Lakeview, Illinois home and making a joke about raping Lesley Stahl.

He also wrote a piece for Playboy in 2000 about the future of pornography (“The moment Playboy told me I could tackle any subject for its millennium issue, I immediately chose pornography. Now, you may assume that I picked pornography because I believe Playboy is pornography. Far from it. Playboy is erotica.” (Al Franken, “Porn-O-Rama!; Pornography Vs. Erotica,” Playboy, January 2000):

At first I thought it was my imagination, but when Dr. DeVine escorted me into the virtual reality room, she seemed to be coming on to me. She allowed her bodacious breasts to brush against my face as she lowered me into the prototype of the Virtu-Screw 2000. ‘How does that feel?’ she cooed. I didn’t know if she was referring to the Naugahyde bucket seat or to the two erect nipples pushing through her white lab coat and nearly poking my eyes out.

Then Dr. DeVine placed the Virtu-Screw helmet over my head. Sitting in the pitch dark, I felt slightly vulnerable but also excited. She asked me which setting I wanted. Since I’ve been married 23 years, I naturally chose ‘blow job.’ My chair abruptly tilted backward, and I ‘felt’ my pants being unzipped. If I hadn’t known I was sitting in the most state-of-the-art virtual reality sex machine, I would have sworn that a real woman’s hand had pulled my cock from my pants.

My nervousness disappeared, and I sat back and enjoyed the amazingly realistic cyber job. It was every bit as good as the last real blow job I had gotten 23 years earlier-if not better-because when I shot my wad, the virtual mouth swallowed.

-- Al Franken, Playboy, January 2000

The Internet, he explains, is a "terrific learning tool. For example, a couple of years ago, when he was 12, my son used the Internet for a sixth-grade report on bestiality. Joe was able to download some effective visual aids, which the other students in his class just loved."...

"Porn-O-Rama!" is a modern campaign document every voter should read -- the Federalist Papers of lifestyle liberalism. It has the literary sensibilities and moral seriousness of an awkward adolescent nerd publishing an underground newspaper to shock his way into campus popularity. But, in this case, the article was written in 2000 by a 48-year-old man.

Orwell would be so proud.

Franken's "brand name" includes other highlights. In 2006, after a long monologue about a dog and its vomit, Franken impersonated the deceased Sen. Strom Thurmond as saying: "Yeah, I screwed a woman who was vomiting once." He once proposed a television sketch about a female CBS reporter being drugged and raped. He has suggested that his next book title might be "I Fucking Hate Those Right-Wing Motherfuckers !" At an event hosted by the Feminist Majority Foundation in 1999, Franken offered this thigh-slapper: "Why don't we focus on what Afghan women can do? They can cook, bear children and pray. As I recall, that was fine for our grandmothers."...

Franken is not content to disagree with Karl Rove; he calls him "human filth." He is not satisfied to criticize Ari Fleischer; Franken terms him a "chimp." The objects of Franken's humor -- including political opponents and women -- are not merely mocked but dehumanized. His trashiness is also nastiness. Rather than lampooning the emptiness and viciousness of our political discourse -- a proper role for satire -- Franken has powerfully reinforced those failures.

-- "Vulgarian at the Gate" by Michael Gerson, The Washington Post, June 18, 2008

And what's with the hair, anyway? 

Who let the dogs out?

George Clooney

George Clooney didn't just break off his fairy-tale romance with Sarah Larson — he did it abruptly, leaving the former cocktail waitress shocked, heartbroken and moving back to Las Vegas, friends of the former couple told FOXNews.com.

“She thought they were getting married. Instead, she got dumped,” a friend said. “She’s really upset. Devastated.”

Larson found herself teary-eyed, packing her bags and walking out the door of the home the couple had shared in Los Angeles, friends said.

 --  "Sarah Larson 'Devastated' After Getting Dumped by George Clooney"

He barged back into the gossip columns last fall because of a near throwdown with George Clooney at a Beverly Hills restaurant. The incident reportedly began when Clooney accused a gaggle of Fabio’s fans of taking his photograph. “This guy, he ate more than he could chew,” Fabio says (his English-language phrasing is sometimes awkward… “He laid a hand on me, so it would have been self-defense if I had beaten him down. I could have fucked him up. Oh my god, I could have fucked him up. Oh my god, I could have beaten the shit out of him. I was so pissed off.” According to Fabio, Clooney called his dinner companions – who’d won the date at a charity auction benefiting the California Highway Patrol – names. “Bitches, even badder words,” he recalls. “So I go over and I’m like, “Listen, I will fuck you up.” Fabio claims that Clooney then shoved him. At six foot three and 230 pounds, the former Italian army paratrooper is hard to budge. “Right then, I could have knocked him over and beat him,” he says. “I could have punched him in the face while he was on his back. That’s how you really hurt someone – their face can’t amortize the punch so it takes, it takes the whole impact.”

Clooney, according to onlookers, left the restaurant. “I am still so pissed at him,” Fabio says. “To insult women like that. He is a dog whose noise is worse than his bite.”

 -- Details magazine, February 2008

"You clearly have no understanding of certain people's need for private transport." Stan Rosenfield, publicist for actor George Clooney, after a reporter asked why Clooney drives a fuel-efficient electric car but burns 7,000 gallons of jet fuel by traveling to Tokyo on a private jet.

 -- World magazine, November 4, 2006

Misogynist. George Clooney supported Janeane Garofalo's pseudo-feminist campaign against the objectification of women by staying with his girlfriend at the Hugh Hefner suite of a Las Vegas hotel.

Currently, Garofalo is smarting that long-time rival (in her own mind, anyway) Renee Zellwigger, who beat Janeane out for the role of Tom Cruise's girlfriend in "Jerry McGuire," is co-starring in a major motion picture with Clooney while Janeane is relegated to made-for-cable schmaltz. Zellwigger, once a walk-on in "Reality Bites," has gone on to far eclipse Garofalo, including scoring with Clooney. 

Charlie Sheen

I don't pay them to have sex with me. I pay them to leave.

-- Charlie Sheen 

"Prostitute hound" (Details magazine), drug addict, and along with Janeane Garofalo, a 9/11 conspiracy nutcase.

Coping With Son Charlie's Drug Addiction

Q: “I had a nephew who died of a drug overdose. He’d overdosed once before, but the hospital never told my brother and his wife because of ‘privacy’ laws.”

A: “The only way I got Charlie, frankly, was because he’d skipped out of the hospital. I had to pay the bill. In paying the bill, I got to see why he was in there. He’d consumed an illegal substance; he was on probation; he was not allowed to have these substances.”

Q: “So you turned Charlie in to the authorities to help him?”

A: “This is a criminal matter. And so that was the wedge; that was the leverage I had. That is what I took to the court; that’s what I took to the sheriff. It was the only way I got him.”

Q: “Can you talk a little bit about how you broke through his entourage of enablers?”

A: “You’re dealing with a life-and-death situation. And the critical part of the equation is: are you willing to risk your child’s wrath? They are not going to like you. Don’t even think about them loving you. They’re going to call you the most vicious, obscene names. You have to be prepared for that.”

-- Martin Sheen, "Breaking Through"

Denise Richards to ex-husband Sheen: be civil -- omg!

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Former Bond girl Denise Richards, currently starring in a reality television series about her chaotic life, has one key thing to say to ex-husband Charlie Sheen now that he has remarried: stop picking on me.

Richards, 37, divorced Sheen in 2006, and her break-up from the star of TV's "Two and Half Men," became instant fodder for celebrity magazines. She hopes to "set the record straight" about her life on her reality program, "Denise Richards: It's Complicated," on cable TV network E!.

"He loves to trash me in the press and discredit me and has tried to sabotage my (new) show. I can't change that, so I just keep living my life," said Richards. "I hope that now that he's married, he can move forward and be civil."

During their divorce, the press seized on Richards' claims of Sheen's domestic abuse, penchants for prostitutes and porn, made public in court documents. The actor's career weathered the storm and about two weeks ago, he married a third time.

More

Paul Reubens 

Public wanker and porn hound. Supports Janeane Garofalo's campaign against the objectification of women by collecting porno, er, erotic artwork. Arrested for yanking on his pee wee in a movie theater:

On July 26, 1991, Reubens was arrested in Sarasota, Florida for masturbating publicly in an adult theater. The news media went into a frenzy and the scandal marked the near-death of the character "Pee-wee Herman," reducing both the actor and the persona to an ubiquitous punchline. Although the series Pee-wee's Playhouse had already ended by that time, CBS reacted by dropping its reruns from their lineup. Reubens made a deal with the Sarasota County court: in exchange for a fine and producing a few PSAs, he was given a clean record.

Reubens was arrested again in 2002 in connection with an investigation involving child pornography. Public news stories concerning his case cast doubt upon the suggestion that Reubens intentionally acquired child pornography, as he stated that he was a collector of "erotic artwork" and that he had a sizable collection of vintage erotica with samples dating back to the 18th century. On March 19, 2004, child pornography charges against him were dropped by Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo after Reubens pleaded guilty to a separate "misdemeanor obscenity" charge.

"The DA waited 364 days (one day before the statute of limitations would have run out) and then alleged that some of it was 'child pornography' — decades-old physique poses, old art photos, and yellowed nudist magazines. Some of the nude photos were of minors — when the pictures were taken, but most of the models would have been dead of old age before Reubens was born. All of the photos, Reubens maintained, were legal when they were first published. The charges were reduced to 'obscenity', and Reubens pleaded guilty and paid a US$100 fine in exchange for probation."

Said Reubens: "Personally, I think we're living in a very scary time. Do we let the legal system decide in a courtroom what's obscene and what's not obscene? I didn't want to be in a situation where there was a possibility I could go to jail... I mean, that just seemed insane to me.

"One thing I want to make very, very clear, I don't want anyone for one second to think that I am titillated by images of children. It's not me. You can say lots of things about me. And you might. The public may think I'm weird. They may think I'm crazy or anything that anyone wants to think about me. That's all fine. As long as one of the things you're not thinking about me is that I'm a pedophile. Because that's not true."

Prior to his arrest, Reubens had made a guest appearance on the hit TV series Everybody Loves Raymond, playing the role of Amy McDougall's comic-book-obsessed brother (Russel McDougall). His arrest prompted the show's star, Ray Romano, to object to Reubens being a part of the show's cast and actor Chris Elliott was cast as the character of Peter McDougall, apparently a second brother of Amy's, to replace Reubens' role.

-- Wikipedia

The usual suspects

Winona Ryder

Convicted shoplifter. 

Keifer Sutherland

Alcoholic, convicted drunk driver, jailbird. Assaulted a Christmas tree.

The truth is hard, comedy is easy

Do you know anyone else who belongs in this hall of shame? Submit your comedy jerk associate of Janeane Garofalo for our disapproval to webmaster @ janeane.info.