Lies, damned lies, and Janeane Garofalo

Speaking in tongues

Not only is Janeane Garofalo a cunning linguist, she's a cunning liar. Maybe not as much as Hillary Clinton, but then again, Hillary Clinton hasn't had as much plastic surgery as Janeane Garofalo, although it's rumored Hillary had her eyes done and she got Botoxed like Janeane and Katrina vanden Heuvel. 

Interesting enough, Janeane refuses to criticize Hillary despite Clinton's responsibility for the Iraq War, her pseudo-feminism, her willingness to throw the Gay, Lesbian,Bisexual and Transgendered community under the bus -- her calculated and triangulated answer to questions about gay marriage is that it's a states rights issue  (OK, OK, I stole that phrase from Mike Gravel) and her support for a Constitutional amendment to ban flag burning (Janeane is a card-carrying member of the American Civil Liberties Union).

We expect Janeane to issue a stinging rebuke to Hillary for accepting $2,300 for her presidential campaign from that Tyrant of the Male Gaze, the Objectifier-in-Chief hisself, Hugh Hefner, any day now. Zzz... Then again, maybe not, since Playboy got a product placement in "Nadine in Date Land" and Hustler got one in "Southland Tales." Oh well.

Janeane's aptitude for shading the truth makes her professed lack of interest in running for office even more curious. For all you fanboys and girls out there who idealize and idolize G-lo and believe that Janeane doesn't lie and that she chopped down a cherry tree and threw a coin across the Potomac River, have we got a great deal on the Brooklyn Bridge for you.

Mainstream media succubus 

Janeane likes to rail against corporate media, but it's hard for her to talk with her mouth full since she's also  sucking the dicks -- not literally, of course -- of executive weasels from FOX, Disney/Pixar, Lifetime (Disney/Hearst) and NBC/Universal. (In the interests of fairness, we should point out she only gave "West Wing" show runner and former Patrick Moynihan dogsbody Lawrence O'Donnell a lapdance.)

About her current employer, Fox:

Popular, too, were signs depicting News Corp. President Peter Chernin as the character Montgomery Burns, the wart-pocked villainous suit of "The Simpsons," which airs on Fox, which is owned by News Corp.

Chernin raised the hackles of writers this week when he confidently told investors that the strike was actually a moneymaking opportunity for Fox because the network is heavily invested in reality and competition shows, such as "American Idol," which do not employ union writers. Chernin also said that the network's costs were down because they didn't have to spend a lot of money on writers writing pilots. 

-- William Booth and Lisa de Moraes, "The Hollywood Strike, a reality show with script," The Washington Post,  November 10, 2007

Putting the hip in hypocrisy 

During her stint on "The Majority Report," Janeane Garofalo used to rail against corporate weasels, but that didn't preclude her from going on to work for corporate rodents as long as she got her cheddar, no matter how smelly the provenance. Bangladeshi seamstresses receive $1.25 a day for embroidering Disney t-shirts (The Washington Post). No word on how much Garofalo got paid a day for working on "Ratatouille" or Disney/Pixar big cheese Steve "People think I'm an asshole, don't they?" Jobs.

She supplies the subterfuge. We supply the awful and inconvenient truth. On this page, we list her hypocrisies, prevarications, fibs, infidelities, adulteries, sins of omission, commission and downright dishonesty.

Lies 

I don't believe that crap about her not using the Internet.

-- A recovering Garofalite

Ya think? Yeah, we don't either. We believe Doris Lessing when she says she doesn't use the Internet. We don't believe Janeane Garofalo. Then again, Lessing said that 9/11 wasn't that terrible and Garofalo just said it's a conspiracy, so maybe it's a wash.

Evasions, escape hatches, and weasel words

Janeane Garofalo never comes out and says she's an alcoholic. She dances around the subject, using euphemisms such as "I had an problem with alcohol."

Janeane Garofalo denies that she's a lesbian, which is true as far as it goes. Of course, she's not. She's a bisexual but she won't say she is. G-lo on the down low is rank hypocrisy since she styles herself as a GLBT champion.  When someone in the mainstream media finally buys a vowel, er, gets a clue and asks her point blank if she is, it'll be interesting to see what her response will be.

Southland, er, apocryphal tales told on "the Majority Report:

• Janeane Garofalo was harassed on the LA freeway by a motorist outraged by her opposition to the Iraq War until Jeff Goldblum intervened.
• Janeane Garofalo was so annoyed by a laptop that she slugged it and damaged  the screen.
• Janeane Garofalo was so angered by watching FOX cable news that she bought a heavy bag to punch but her dogs got upset while she was working out, so she had to get rid of the bag.

Selective moral outrage on "The Majority Report"

Eminem is a homophobic misogynist (or a misogynistic homophobe -- take your pick), but he wrote an anti-Bush song, so Janeane Garofalo put him on her radio show's bumper rotation.

The Dixie Chicks may be a group with a sexist, racist name (or a racist, sexist name -- take your pick) but lead singer Nathalie Manes dissed George W. Bush, so she's their number one fan. 

Alert the media

Got any little white lies or great big whoppers Janeane Garofalo has told that you'd like to share with our vast North American viewing audience? Write to webmaster @ janeane.info.